Wait a Turn
Characters: J'ackt, N'vanik
Description: J'ackt goes to N'vanik to ask consent for his surgery
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 6, day 10 of Turn 10
Notes: Mentioned: Saidrene, Alina, Cyradis, K'yne
Notes: Occurs before "Contractual Obligations" and after "Are You Crazy?"
As soon as he was aware that N'vanik wasn't busy with their drills or
other duties, J'ackt approached his office and knocked lightly at the
door. Normally, he didn't voluntarily go to the office, but this was
important enough that he thought the Weyrleader wouldn't mind. And, he
reasoned, it did have to do with his duties in the wing. "N'vanik, do
you have a minute?"
"Sure, come in." The young man looked serious and N'vanik wondered
what was going on.
J'ackt came in and sat in the chair, then looked over at the
Weyrleader, unsure how to broach his request. He tapped his fingers
over his knee and shifted, then simply decided to come out with it.
"I've told you that I don't want kids, right? Well, I talked to
Urlene and she says there's a surgery I can get that doesn't involve
chopping of my bits, but it'll take me out of the wing for a sevenday.
She said that I need your permission before she'll do it, since it
might affect the Wing."
"Surgery?" N'vanik's eyebrows rose. "Isn't that drastic?"
J'ackt's face set and he nodded. "It's the only way to be sure that I
don't have them. I can't keep Zith out of flights. I tried and he
becomes a right arse and after a couple, I can't hold him back. I
can't do that to him. " He took a breath. "Look, I try not to ask you
for much, N'vanik. But this is something I need to do. I can't be a
father or a Da. I can't. " His jaw twitched rapidly. "Please. Let me
do this. "
N'vanik studied him. "Did something happen? Why are you bringing this up now?"
J'ackt shifted and frowned. "Thought Cyradis would have told you." He
took a moment, then briefly explained what had happened with Saidrene
and the subsequent problems with Alina and what Cyradis had been told.
"Then Cyradis blew up at me, called me stupid, and even she agreed I
wouldn't make a good Da, but said it would happen whether I liked it
or not. I can't even talk about it to any woman now. Saidrene knew I
didn't want children. She knew. She'd been told not to have my child,
N'vanik. I don't want that happening again. Not with anyone. This is
the only way to make sure."
That was a lot to untangle. "What she did was wrong. It's
disrespectful to you, and it's dangerous for the baby. But you don't
have to be responsible for any children you might have. If you're
worried about hurting them, making mistakes, you don't have to be a
part of their life. The Weyr will take care of them. That's what
foster parents are for, J'ackt."
N'vanik had pierced the heart of the issue like a dragon's talon.
Despite knowing now that K'yne was really his father, J'ackt had
always been certain that he carried bad blood. Jenasom's temper and
violence had seeded itself deep within him and it wasn't something
that he'd ever be able to extract. Shards, it was still difficult to
keep it under control, even with his dragon's help; the thought that
her could potentially hurt a child, even by accident if he lost his
temper, was something he'd had nightmares about. And what if that
seed passed though him to a child? No child deserved that, nor did
they deserve to have him as a father or Da, even if the Weyr took
responsibility. J'ackt's jaw set stubbornly. "I want to make sure,
"You want to make sure you don't turn out like your father. I know how
that feels." N'vanik sighed. "I want you to see a mindhealer."
J'ackt sighed and leaned back, frustrated. **Again?** "Shaffit,
N'vanik. I'm trying to be responsible." He ran a hand through his
hair, pulling at it. "If I do, can I get this done?"
N'vanik drummed his fingers on the desk. "I think we can discuss this
again after a Turn. And Cyradis will have to be involved." The Weyr's
bloodlines were her domain, after all.
J'ackt glowered in frustration, clearly disliking both statements. He
didn't want to wait a fecking turn and he certainly didn't want
Cyradis involved in any way. A turn of avoiding mating flights, a
turn of constantly being on edge. He rubbed his forehead, his heel
bouncing in agitation. "Why a turn? I'm not going to change my mind.
I don't want children, N'vanik. And not Cyradis. She won't
understand. Please," he voice turned hoarse with near desperation,
"just let me do this. "
"I don't want to deny you control over your own body, but you want
this for the wrong reasons. You've got all these awful ideas in your
head and I don't want you making a permanent decision because some
greenrider got you all upset with her bad choices." N'vanik leaned
closer. "Hopefully a mindhealer can help you work through this." If
J'ackt could manage to listen to them at all. "And the fact that
you're worried about hurting a child? Makes you better than your
father ever was."
J'ackt looked down, beginning to rub his thumb roughly over his
knuckles in agitation. His shoulders moved with every quick breath as
he struggled to keep control of his impulse to argue. His jaw worked
from side to side; Alina had said much of the same to him. He still
didn't know if that was true; he was privately afraid it wasn't and
didn't want to risk it, even if it was "So, if I see a mindhealer and
wait a turn like you want, if I still want to do it, you'll allow it?"
"I'm not making any promises. I want you to make this decision in a
good frame of mind." N'vanik sighed. "I know it might seem unfair,
because I'd never tell a woman she has to bear a child, but, well. You
don't. You don't have to carry a baby inside your body or risk your
life in childbirth."
J'ackt's lips thinned and his jaw tightened. "I won't change my mind.
And no, it's not fair. But that doesn't seem to matter. My life
hasn't exactly been fair, has it?" He made a private resolution,
mentally digging in his heels. If, after the turn was over and
nothing had changed, he'd go to Healer Hall and deal with the
consequences after. "Can I be excused?"
"Yes. But before you go, I know you're pissed about waiting. But you
know you can talk to me, right? I'm no mindhealer, but I can listen
and I can try to help."
J'ackt rose just as N'vanik began speaking, ready to immediately
leave while resentment curdling in his belly. "Yeah, sure. Thanks." With
that, he left the office, hands shoved into his pockets.
Last updated on the December 2nd 2020