If You Had to Choose

Writers: Estelle, Suzee
Date Posted: 29th April 2020

Characters: R'fal, Y'gel
Description: R'fal tells Y'gel where he went at Turn's End
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 2, day 5 of Turn 10
Notes: Mentioned: N'vanik, L'exan (not by name)
Notes: This takes place before "DCW: Trying to do the Right Thing".
Sorry it's late!

Y'gel

R'fal had found a quiet corner in the dragonhealer's infirmary and
settled down to study. He tried his best to concentrate on his notes
from that day's class, but the words seemed to blur in front of him. It
felt as though he'd barely slept since Turn's End. Exhausted as he was,
whenever he closed his eyes to rest he saw the mine again, lonely and
barren, felt the bitter grip of the cold, heard the footsteps of the
guards, crunching in the snow...

**Focus,** he told himself. If he didn't do better in class then he'd
surely get dropped as an apprentice, and this was one of the few good
things he was doing with his life. It wasn't as though he was of any use
to his family. With a sigh, he covered the paper with an arm and tried
to recall the herbs in one of the healing salves they'd learned about
that day.

"You look a bit tired there R'fal," Y'gel said as he walked toward the
youngster. "You should get some sleep and look at your notes in the
morning."

R'fal started, not having heard the master dragonhealer approach, and
hastily began to gather up the papers. "Oh - sorry, Master Y'gel. Am I
in your way?"

"Not at all R'fal," Y'gel said gently. "But you've looked like
something was occupying your thoughts other than Dragonhealing
lately."

The young brownrider stared at his work, unable to hide the expression
of guilt and worry that crossed his face. It was true. Vivid memories of
what he'd seen at the prison mine intruded while he sat in class, while
he carried out his duties, even in drills. Only in Fall, as his dragon's
instinct to fight took over, had he been able to escape the turmoil in
his mind.

}:You could tell him.:{ Marlath's voice was warm, hopeful. }:It worked
before, with Larzeth's rider.:{

**Yes, but that was just about a silly, childish story I told. This is
different.** Sometimes he felt he hardly recognized the boy he'd been
back then. Had he really cared so much about whether his classmates
thought him ignorant because he'd grown up in a cothold? He'd realised
too late, now that his family had been shamed, how lucky he'd been to
have roots he could be proud of. **I can't tell. He's a bronzerider,
he'll have to report me. We'll be grounded, and I won't be able to help
Ma.**

Maybe he didn't have to tell everything, though, and he didn't need
Marlath to tell him that the conflicting loyalties to his family and the
Weyr were tearing him apart. He looked up at Y'gel. "Sir, can I ask you
a question?"

"Ask me anything," Y'gel nodded at the young rider. He knew things
were rough for him right now and he'd heard the rumors about his
father and the concerns the boy might try something he'd regret later.
"What is it?"

He hesitated, then took a deep breath. "If you had to choose, between
your duty to the Weyr, and...someone you cared about, very much...what
would you do?"

"That is a very broad question," he said slowly. Y'gel knew the
question to have far deeper reasons than the young man thought he was
letting on. "But, my life was committed to Aughashyth the moment he
chose me. I know in the deepest part of my soul that the people I love
are important, but _he_ is the most important." He felt the wave of
familiar love wash over him at those words.

}:I love you too, mine::{ the voice rumbled deep in his mind.

R'fal looked up, startled. Y'gel's answer had brought a sudden clarity,
as if a fog had lifted. He might not have the deeply ingrained loyalty
to the Weyr that his friends had, he might be torn between his duty as a
wingrider and a holder's son, but there was no question of his love for
his dragon.

**Marlath? What do you want me to do?**

}:I want you to be happy again,:{ the dragon replied, his voice rising
with longing. R'fal closed his eyes, feeling his throat tighten in shame.

"Marlath wants me to be happy," he said, his voice cracking. "But my
fa...this person that I care about...he's in a bad place, and I don't
know how I can help him. There are guards there who treat people
brutally, worse than animals. It isn't right."

"How did... this person get where they are?" Y'gel could almost feel
the conflict coming off the the young man.

"The Lord Holder sent him there," R'fal said in a low voice. He stared
down at the hides again, unable to meet the Master Dragonhealer's eyes.
What would he think if he knew? He surely wouldn't have trusted the son
of a thief with an apprenticeship. "It's a prison mine. Where they send
convicts." He hesitated. "I've seen it with my own eyes."

The body language spoke more than the boy thought and he took a moment
to process. "You know that a person's choices in life are all their own
and sometimes they make bad ones. Sometimes, we can't help no matter
how much we want to. Just like healing, we can't always save the
patient no matter how hard we try."

"But it wasn't his fault!" The words burst out before R'fal could stop
them. "He was trying to protect our family and...I should have been
there." He rested his head in his hands. "He told me not to leave the
farm, but I didn't listen. I wanted to go to the Weyr with the
Searchriders. If I'd stayed, if I'd thought about anyone besides myself,
maybe none of this would have happened. So I went to see if he was all
right, if there was anything I could do," he continued, unable to stop
himself from telling about that terrible night at Turn's End. "I went at
night, so I wouldn't be seen, but when I got close, I saw..." His voice
cracked. "I saw the guards beating someone. He was helpless, he couldn't
fight back."

"I'm sorry R'fal," he said in a soft voice and squeezed the boy's
shoulder. "Maybe we should go talk to the Weyrleader, just in case you
were seen. But first, think about this. If you hadn't come to the
Weyr, then Marlath couldn't have found you on the Sands. He would have
been all alone."

R'fal's eyes had gone wide with alarm at the thought of having to go
back to the Weyrleader, but Y'gel's words distracted him. "I don't know.
Maybe he'd have found someone else." Someone who wasn't a coward, he
thought, who would have found a way to rescue his father. "Someone who
would know what his duty was. Maybe he'd be happier..."

}:I would not have chosen anyone but you!:{ Marlath's voice was
startlingly fierce. }:I could not be happy without you. We are one.:{

The young brownrider winced, silently apologizing to his dragon. "He
doesn't think so, but...how can we ever really know?"

"Through experience," he said immediately. "Look," he sighed deeply.
"You've never seen a weyrling die on the Sands because his or her
lifemate just wasn't there. But I have... it's heartbreaking for
everyone. We don't know why you were so drawn to the Weyr but the
result is your bond with Marlath. If you hadn't been here, then
Aughashyth and I would likely have been the ones to take his body
between."

R'fal felt a chill to his heart as he imagined what that would have been
like. He remembered Marlath as a hatchling, stumbling from his egg onto
the hot sands, the moment their eyes had met and he'd felt their
precious bond for the first time. The thought of those glowing eyes
dimming and closing forever was unbearable. Suddenly, he knew he could
never have chosen differently, even if he'd known what the future would
bring. If he was going to help his family, he would do it as a
dragonrider, with his lifemate.

"I'm sorry, sir," he said quietly. "I'll tell the Weyrleader what
happened, if you think I should. Maybe he can do something, about the
guards."

Y'gel wiped the image of a still dragonet from his mind and smiled at
the boy. "Maybe he can," he agreed. "Want me to come with you?"

"All right," R'fal said, relieved. If he had to go to the Weyrleader
alone, he thought he might lose his nerve. He gathered his dragonhealing
notes into a pile and put them aside, then stood. "Thank you."

Last updated on the May 31st 2020

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If You Had to Choose