Get Better (Because You're not Done Yet)

Writers: Avery, Leigh M-F.
Date Posted: 24th January 2017

Characters: Talwynn, A'kua
Description: Progress has to start somewhere.
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 9, day 20 of Turn 8

It still wasn't entirely easy to enter the mindhealer's office and talk, but it had gotten less painful. Zelltye kept saying he was doing better, getting closer to being a proper wingrider. Maybe he was right. A'kua wasn't sure himself, but he wasn't going to waste these appointments. Not after what had happened to cause their necessity in the first place, around day thirteen last month.

*~*~*~*~*

Talwynn was looking forward to sparring with A'kua again. It had stopped when he was injured, for obvious reasons, and she hadn't wanted to push him into doing anything that he wasn't going to be safe doing. But she'd heard that he was doing much better and she knew what recovery felt like, and she trusted them both to notice if anything was going to far.

Because the weather was awful she'd decided to find a room currently being unused. An older classroom with some random chairs and desks looked perfect. She cleared up space in it by moving all the items, then had Riveth reach out to see when A'kua would be free.

}:Zeiranth? Is your rider still up for sparring?:{ the green asked.

}:Yes he is,:{ the bronze answered. }:We'll be down in a few moments.:{

As promised, A'kua arrived in the appropriate room, brushing snow off his hair with his right hand and using the left to give his riding jacket a good shake. "I'm goin' to the beach at some point," he announced on seeing Tal, setting the jacket aside. "And I'm takin' whoever wants to come along. Fardlin' cold." He gave his arms a quick stretch, then tugged his sleeves back into place. "Which staves did you bring this time? I like the one with that really dark brown color and the odd li'l swirl in the grain; the balance is the best I've found."

Talwynn gestured at the wall, where four staves were. "That one's there. I grabbed two of the lighter ones as well."It was easier to balance for herself.

"Which beach are you going to?"

"Thanks." The weyrling picked up the preferred staff. "There's only one I know of, and I'm not sure how to find it on a map," he admitted.

}:It looks like this,:{ Zeiranth said, taking the image from his rider's thoughts and sharing it with Riveth. }:He went there once before I hatched.:{

A'kua strode to the middle of the room and took a ready stance, like Tal had taught him when they started. It still felt a little odd to him; taking a stance essentially gave the opponent a warning something was going to happen. But with staff-practice, it was part of the "etiquette", apparently, so he went along with it.

"Well, I hope you enjoy it. If you want to see different kinds of beaches, we have some good visualizations," she said.

Before she settled into her own stance, she did a few quick spins with it, wincing at her shoulder's pulling. But it was going to be good to work out.

"Thanks, I might take you up on that." A'kua nodded to his teacher. "Ready?"

"I am, she said, and once she declared her intentions she jumped forward, taking the offense to test how good they were both feeling.

Wood struck wood and from there it was on, back and forth across the floor, taking and losing ground. It was a complex pattern that kept A'kua guessing, using everything he had been taught so far. He tried hooking his staff behind Tal's to disarm her in a tricky maneuver she had demonstrated for him, but since this was only the second time he'd tried it, he failed and got the staff wrenched from his hands, sending it skittering across the floor. Before he could even think of diving for it, Tal whipped her staff at his head.

Now, A'kua knew very well Tal had the ability to stop short before contact was made; she had done that often enough. It was startling, but not hurtful. Still, out of pure reflex, the weyrling threw up his forearms to guard his head, and the motions brought forth a surge of feelings he had been trying to tamp down ever since he was released from the infirmary, and they burst from him with a wild yell of "NO!"

Talwynn reacted immediately by flinging out her own arm in order to throwing away the staff before it could make contact. It clattered across the floor, the sound unusually loud. But the greenrider spared no thought for it, instead looking at the weyling before her. "A'kua?" she queried.

A'kua gulped and tried to steady his breathing, but it rasped and rattled uncomfortably in his chest. It took him some time to slowly lower his arms, and his hands were shaking when he did. "S-Sorry," he mumbled.

She kept her hands in the air and her voice gentle. "Are you okay?"

}:Does my rider need to call a healer?:{ Riveth asked Zeiranth.

}:No. I don't think so,:{ Zeiranth said uncertainly. }:My rider isn't hurt. But he's not all right, either. I don't know what to do. He just keeps panicking.:{

A'kua swallowed hard, and finally admitted it. "No," he said thickly, crossing his forearms against his chest. "I- I haven' been okay since I was scored. I get nightmares even when I take a short nap, and I- I cain'- I cain' stand lookin' at 'em! Just- Just liftin' my arms to guard my head brought it all back." He gulped again. "I don' wanna fly anymore, but Threadfall's two days away. I cain' do it, Talwynn. I just cain'. Luck is _finite_ an' I don' got 'nuff experience to keep me or Zei safe yet." He pressed a trembling hand against his face, shaking his head. "I'm not even sure I can talk to Lys 'bout it. She wouldn' think I'm a coward, but she- she's never been hurt like this."

A'kua's accent was thicker and his tone tugged at Talwynn's feelings, bringing up memories of shortly after she'd been scored - the helplessness, the rage, the despair. She abruptly sat down on the floor, needing the solidness of stone to keep her steady and assured. She knew that what she said next, how she handled it, was going to be critical.

"What happened to you was an accident. A horrible one. You're scarred, and you're scared. That's reasonable. Everyone gets scared sometimes. I bet, if you talked to any of the senior bronzeriders, they'd admit to it."

A'kua almost laughed. He couldn't imagine any senior bronzerider willingly saying so. But he played along. "Maybe, but could they _do_ anythin' 'bout it?" As soon as he said that, he realized he wanted that; he wanted to _do_ something about it, because he wasn't sure how much longer he could go on like this, and he had no idea how to argue his case about avoiding Threadfall.

"They can't reach into your head and take it away, if that's what you're asking," she said. "Even our dragons can't do that for us. But there are other options."

"Like what?" her student asked, coming a little closer.

"The mindhealers. You know, part of me training to go back up there involves me getting checked out again," she said.

A'kua thought about it for a short time, but very deeply. If Talwynn, one of the toughest women he knew, had gone to see a mindhealer, then surely there was nothing wrong with it. And she was in the air again, so they had helped, right? And he didn't _like_ feeling like this. He tried not to allow more poisonous things to take hold of his life anymore, but all this fear was doing just that. He couldn't let it control him. (Although it was tempting to; maybe then people would truly see he wasn't the ranker material they wanted him to be.) "Who'd ya talk to?" he asked, offering his hand to help Tal up if she desired it.

The stone had been comforting, but the cold was seeping into her bones, and she groaned slightly as she accepted the help up. A warm soak was going to be needed after this.

"Zelltye. He was very helpful. Not the first few months after I was scored," she conceded. "I didn't want to be helped and I fought him the whole way. Eventually, he got through to me, helped me realize what I was so angry about, and how I was sabotaging myself."

The weyrling moved to pick up the scattered staves. He wasn't sure if Talwynn would want to continue, but he retrieved them anyway. "When's the soonest I could see him?"

"I don't know his schedule by heart," Talwynn said. But then she had an idea. "But I have an appointment tomorrow. I could give it up if he'd see you first."

A'kua hesitated again. He wanted to accept, but he wasn't sure if he should. But then, maybe Talwynn felt she could wait and discuss whatever she needed to talk about later. And the sooner he got started, the better. Maybe he could even get another Threadfall exemption. "I'm sorry to push you outta the spot, but I think it's best if I do take it," he said. "What time is it?"

"Two candlemarks after lunch. I'll have Riveth send him a message," she said.

"Thank you." The words were spoken quietly, but with utter sincerity.

"Don't worry about it. It's what friends are for," she reassured him.

*~*~*~*~*

The talk therapy had taken time, and it had resulted in him being held back from properly joining Cyan Wing. But it had gotten him to the point of being able to deliver firestone under supervision -had that ever been terrifying-, then to burning rope drills, so he could confront his fear in a controlled environment. Perhaps actual Threadfighting would come soon.

He was still deathly afraid; maybe he always would be. But he wouldn't know unless he kept trying.

A'kua knocked on Zelltye's door, and was called in once more.

Last updated on the February 1st 2017

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